Everybody comes to Hollywood got a dream, what’s your dream? Original screenplays, probably, rather than remaking successful movies from around the world, time and time again.
Therefore, I’ve taken a classic Hollywood film and turned the tables, reimagining a key scene orchestrated by a revered director from world cinema, with potentially ridiculous results.
Pretty Woman (1990) is one of the most loved romantic comedies of all time.
Written by J.F. Lawton and directed by Garry Marshall, the film stars Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, and tells the tale of a down-on-her-luck Hollywood prostitute called Vivian (Roberts), hired by a wealthy businessman, Edward (Gere), to be his escort for several functions. You can guess the rest.
Originally intended to be a dark cautionary tale about class and prostitution in Los Angeles, this motion picture was reconceived as a romantic comedy with a large budget. I disagree, despite its success at the box office – becoming one of the highest money-makers of 1990.
Yearning to take the film back to its sinister side, there’s no better man to direct my vision than Takashi Miike, the highly prolific and controversial Japanese auteur who has delivered such gruesome delights as Audition (1999), Ichi The Killer and Visitor Q (both 2001).
His provocative films, based on extreme violence and sexual taboos, usually contain bizarre endings, so don’t expect Vivian to rescue him right back. Miike frequently casts Shô Aikawa and Renji Ishibashi, and they return in this remake, playing Edward and seedy lawyer Philip respectively.
The role of Vivian has been handed to Shu Qi, star of A Man Called Hero (1999), So Close and The Transporter (both 2002). She’s one of the few actresses to rise from nude photo-shoots and soft-core sex films to mainstream success.
The story so far: Edward, a successful businessman, takes a detour on Hollywood Boulevard. He isn’t asking for directions. With satnavs and mobiles updated with all the latest maps, it’s impossible to get lost these days.
No, he’s just a degenerate, encountering a prostitute called Vivian who’s willing to assist him. They strike up a relationship, so Edward hires Vivian to stay with him for a week as an escort for social events.
Edward’s time with Vivian shows him another way of living and working. He takes time off and enjoys activities he would never have dreamed of partaking in. As a result, his strong interest towards his business is put aside. Furious, his business partner, Philip, goes to the hotel to confront Edward…
INT. PENTHOUSE - EVENING
Vivian is sat in the living room, edgy, wearing a red cocktail dress, staring at the telephone that sits on the floor opposite her. The doorbell rings. She ignores it, not even flinching, eyes trained on the telephone. The doorbell rings again. The door is pushed open. Philip stands outside with a small briefcase. He looks agitated. He tries to hide it.
PHILIP
Well, well... Hello again. I'm looking for Edward.
Vivian just stares at the telephone. Philip steps into the living room, watching her. He notices a large brown parcel sack beside her.
PHILIP
What are you doing?
VIVIAN
Edward told me never to answer the phone.
Philip sets his briefcase down. The telephone rings. And rings. Vivian just stares at it. Eventually it stops. A wry smile creeps across Vivian’s face. Philip ignores her.
PHILIP
Mind if I have a drink?
He pours alcohol into a glass. He drinks it. It seems to calm him a bit.
PHILIP
What’s in the sack?
Vivian looks up at Philip with a maddening smile…
INT. DESIGNER CLOTHES SHOP – FLASHBACK
Vivian, dressed to the nines, enters the shop clutching a car tool kit. One of the shop assistants spots her.
SHOP ASSISTANT
May I help you?
VIVIAN
I was in here yesterday, do you remember me?
SHOP ASSISTANT
No…
Vivian opens her tool kit, pulling out a wrench.
VIVIAN
Big mistake. Big. Huge…
INT. PENTHOUSE – EVENING – PRESENT
Philip waits for Vivian to answer, when THE SACK SPRINGS TO LIFE. Startled, he steps back, nervously looking to the exit. He quickly pours himself another drink, building up the courage to walk over to Vivian and sit next to her.
PHILIP
You know, right now I’m really angry. Right now, I’m just freaking out.
Philip strokes the top of her leg with his finger.
PHILIP (cont.)
So, maybe if I screw you, and take you to the opera, then I could be a happy guy, just like Edward.
Philip starts to grope Vivian but she pushes him away. There’s a struggle, both trying to gain the upper hand, until Vivian bites Philip’s wrist. He snaps, lashing out at her, smacking her across the face.
Vivian falls back, still fighting, but Philip is too strong. He climbs on top of her.
VIVIAN
GET OFF ME!
PHILIP
You fifty dollar whore.
Suddenly, a HAND lands on Stuckey's shoulder. Philip turns his head, startled. Edward drags Philip to his feet.
EDWARD
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Edward, murder in his eyes, throws Philip across the room. Philip falls on the ground.
PHILIP
She’s a goddamn whore, man…
Edward punches Philip. Philip tries to rise. Edward rubs his fist. They're not used to this violence and both stare at each other, out of breath.
PHILIP
You broke my nose.
EDWARD
Get out of here.
PHILIP
What is wrong with you? Come on, Edward, I give you ten years. I devoted my whole life to you.
EDWARD
This is garbage. This is such garbage. It’s the kill you love, not me.
Vivian coughs deliberately. Edward and Philip turn to her. Vivian picks up her tool kit. Edward punches Philip again, knocking him out.
INT. PENTHOUSE – LATER
CLOSE UP of Edward staring intently at something out of shot.
EDWARD
Where did you learn this?
VIVIAN
The boys back home I grew up with, they were really into heavy metal, mustangs, corvettes… they bought ‘em up and fixed them. I paid attention.
EDWARD
This isn’t a car, Vivian.
We PULL BACK to see Philip comatose on the carpet, a paralysis agent has left his nerves alert but he’s unable to move. Vivian reaches across, feeling Edward’s groin area.
VIVIAN
No, but it has potential.
Vivian tortures Philip with needles. Lots of them. She does this for some considerable time. Then she cuts off his left foot with a wire saw.
Not done, she pulls out a spanner, working on the eyes. Blood sprays everywhere. Eventually, Philip’s left eye pops out, spinning across the room. Edward catches it.
EDWARD
Slippery little suckers.
Edward hands the eye back to Vivian, watching her as she goes about her business.
EDWARD
So what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her?
Vivian looks up at Edward.
VIVIAN
You know I hate it when you go all weird on me.
Edward steps forward and sweeps Vivian into his arms. They kiss. Philip has little choice but to watch, with one eye, as they embrace.
THE END
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