When was the last time you longed to explore a spectacular underground realm of twisting passages, outrageous booby-traps and a long-lost pirate ship full of golden doubloons? It was probably around the same time social networking sites, mobiles and tablets weren’t corrupting your adult life.
Wouldn’t it be great to go on a Goonie adventure? Wouldn’t it be great if the Goonies went on another adventure? For all the doubters, here are ten mighty fine reasons why a Goonies sequel will work and, therefore, must happen.
1. Adults Communing With Inner Adolescence Is Funny
Bawdy comedies about people refusing to grow up can be Box-Office hits. No-one wants to see another throng of whippersnappers go on a carbon copy goonie adventure, especially not the whippersnappers of the original characters.
Instead, we want to see Chunk trim – as Jeff Cohen now is – and a hit with the ladies; Mouth using a throat-back due to smoking-associated ailments; Data still inventing a load of crap; Andy, a washed-up actress, filing for her forth divorce; while Stef, by now a well-read, intellectual figure, running for presidency.
2. Sloth Can Still Be In It
Dying of heart failure in 1989, ex-football player turned actor, John Matuszak, played Lotney ‘Sloth’ Fratelli, the loveable monster who had a thing for Baby Ruth and funny fubsy, Chunk. Matuszak was so heavily-clad in make-up it would be simplicity itself to recreate the loveable rogue.
But wait, maybe the death of such a much-loved character would bring the guys back together again. Who wouldn’t shed a tear when a mid-thirties Lawrence ‘Chunk’ Cohen is finally forced to say goodbye to such an endearing hunk of heroism?
3. Booby Traps Are Cool Again
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) sucked for many reasons, but the biggest problem was that Harrison Ford is just too old to be gallivanting about on some crazy, kick-ass adventure, dodging booby traps and whipping anything other than a chocolate treat with a walnut on top.
Instead, we play a game… Saw (2004) proved that booby traps could still be exciting. I’m not saying Mikey should be terrorised by a sadistic killer, but the traps should be just as resourceful as those created by Jigsaw, rather than attempting to play a souped-up piano in which sounding the wrong key sends you crashing to your doom.
Alternatively, let’s have Chunk confronting the reverse bear-trap. The key to free himself is inserted into one of many Baby Ruth’s that have been implanted in the stomach of his dead cell mate, Sloth. Obviously, he isn’t really dead. A muscle-paralyser has forced Sloth to lay there and watch.
4. Lame Gadgets Are Comedy Gold
If the audience laughs, it works. If the audience doesn’t laugh, well, you get it. In comedy laughter settles all arguments, and there’s nothing finer than the visual kind.
Gadgets in comedy are usually designed to fail spectacularly. Of course, it would be rewarding if Data should finally create something that works, but the original movie and others, such as Gremlins (1984) and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971), know how to make dodgy creations funny.
5. Lost Boys 2 Was Rubbish
Okay, Corey, time to admit it – Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008) was completely bunkum. An appalling sequel that’s largely noticeable for a lack of original cast members and a desperate script that tries to embrace the feel-good factor of the first.
We’re not blaming Corey, though. After all, you excelled in Gremlins, were magnificent in Stand By Me (1986) and even made The Burbs (1989) bearable. Sadly, not one of these films requires a revisit, and now Corey Haim is no longer with us, License to Drive Again is also consigned to the trash.
Therefore, it stands to reason that you do everything in your power to make The Goonies sequel happen. What’s that, you have? And still nothing? Did you talk to Spielberg? You did, and still no change? Did you mention the cancer kazoo? You did?
Well, get on your knees and beg, Feldman, because this is your last chance at success. To paraphrase your character, Dean, in License To Drive (1988), your career just got passed by a street sweeper.
6. Everyone Loves Pirates
Forget the overblown sequels, Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) was a refreshing take on the action/adventure film and a welcome return for pirates – their absence from the big screen as sorrowful as anything in Davey Jones’ locker.
Although The Goonies hinted at pirates, the only one present was One Eyed Willy himself. So, where did that pirate ship sail off to, what became of all the treasure onboard, or did Somalia’s most revered get hold of it?
7. They All Want To Do It
You only have to watch the DVD commentary to realise that everyone wants to see it happen. Richard Donner, the original auteur, has probably retired, while the have made the best of wildly interesting careers since.
Josh Brolin and Sean Astin enjoy continued success in Hollywood; Feldman and Quan (Data) have struggled to find any decent material since the nineties – the former struggling to battle various addictions and come to terms with the loss of his best friend Haim.
Jeff Cohen is a successful lawyer; Kerri Green got married and does occasional television work; while Martha Plimpton concentrated on theatre before her resurgence in hit programmes Fringe (2008) and Raising Hope (2010).
Regardless of their careers since, after revisiting the commentary on The Goonies DVD, I realized that the chemistry is still there. And although Mouth is still annoying, he hasn’t lost his sensitive side either – it’s why we still love him.
8. Unresolved Issues
The Goonies sequel is like somebody adapting a much-loved novel – your imagination is personal and outsiders are determined to ruin that pleasure with their own visions of grandeur. We all want to know what became of The Goonies and we all have our own ideals, so somebody sticking their nose in and telling us what really happened could be extremely controversial – and seriously annoying.
Having said that, wouldn’t you love to know what these guys are up to? I mean, forget the farce, adventure and high jinks that would ensue, wasn’t the original all about chemistry?
Did Mouth and Stef finally get it together? Would Andy have a crush on Mikey now he isn't jailbait? Did Sloth live with Chunk, and if so, how the hell did that work? Would Data finally invent something worth inventing? Did Mouth become a translator and lose his hair? Did Martha turn into a swan? And why is Baby Ruth so expensive in the UK?
9. The Truffle Shuffle
Will they? Would they even dare? I’d even pay twenty quid to watch it in 4DX to find out.
10. We Never Say Die
So there we have it. Ten mighty fine reasons why we need another Goonies adventure. Yes, there are many reasons why it shouldn’t happen. The A-Team (2010), Streetfighter (1994), A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010) and Manimal (I wish) are just a few childhood favourites that became cinematic turkeys.
But I, for one, would like somebody, other than Michael Bay, to take a gamble, stick their neck out and put their golden doubloons where their mouth is. So what if they mess up? They’re a Goonie, and Goonies always mess up.
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